How to help an insecure child
Self-confidence is not a trait a child either has or doesn't have. It's something that grows. Slowly, in small moments and through the experiences a child gains.
Perhaps you recognize it in your own child. Your child doesn't dare to do something, quickly withdraws, says: "I can't do this anyway" or gives up before it has even really started.
As a parent, that can be difficult to witness. You want nothing more than for your child to believe more in themselves. But how do you help an insecure child gain more self-confidence?
Self-confidence doesn't grow because your child always hears how good they are. It grows when a child experiences that they can try difficult things, are allowed to make mistakes, and are seen for who they are.
What is self-confidence in children?
Self-confidence goes beyond knowing you're good at something. A child, for example, can be very good at math, soccer, or drawing and still be insecure.
Knowing you're good at something is also called self-assuredness. That confidence can become fragile when it primarily depends on achievements.
Self-confidence has a deeper layer. It's also about the feeling:
- I am okay, even if I can't do something yet.
- I am allowed to make mistakes.
- I can try difficult things.
A child who develops this confidence doesn't need to be certain that something will succeed before starting. They dare to try precisely because a mistake doesn't immediately mean they've failed as a person.
Self-confidence in children grows through experience
As parents, we sometimes want to protect a child from disappointment. We quickly help when something is difficult or try to prevent a child from failing.
That is understandable. Yet, a child learns a lot by gaining experiences themselves.
Every time a child tries something, notices that it's difficult and still continues, something important happens. The child not only learns: "I can do this."
But also: "I can handle things that are difficult."
That is an important foundation for self-confidence and resilience.
A child's brain learns through experience and repetition. Therefore, self-confidence does not grow in one conversation or through one compliment. It grows in the many small moments when a child tries something, practices, makes mistakes, and discovers that they can continue afterward.
Compliments alone don't make a child self-assured
Of course, it's nice to say positive things to your child. But simply telling your child how smart, pretty, or good they are doesn't automatically lead to more self-confidence.
In fact, when self-confidence becomes primarily dependent on affirmation from others, a child can become insecure when that affirmation is absent.
That's why it can be helpful not only to acknowledge the result but also to pay attention to the process.
For example:
Instead of: "You are so good!"
You could say: "I saw that you kept practicing, even when you found it difficult."
Instead of: "You are so smart!"
You could say: "You really thought carefully about how to solve this."
This teaches a child that not only the end result matters. Effort, practice, and perseverance are just as important.
Being seen helps a child trust themselves
Self-confidence has a deeper layer than "knowing you're good at something." That is rather self-assuredness and that is fragile, because it stands or falls with performance.
The real basis is something else: the feeling of "I'm okay, even if I can't do something." Psychologists also call this basic security or unconditional acceptance. A child who feels this dares to try things. Precisely then, failure doesn't feel like a threat to who they are.
You see that concretely in small things. If a child falls and you react with "come on, that happens to everyone" instead of panic or trivializing, they learn: my feelings are allowed to be there and I will get through this. If a child gets a bad grade and you ask "how do you feel about it yourself?" instead of immediately correcting, they learn: my own experience counts. If a child is angry and you remain calmly present, they learn: I won't be pushed away when things get difficult.
All those moments together actually say the same thing to a child: you are allowed to be, even if you are not perfect. And a child who believes that dares more. Not because they know they will succeed, but because they know they can handle setbacks.
How can you increase your child's self-confidence?
You cannot give your child self-confidence all at once. However, as a parent, you can help create situations in which your child can build confidence in themselves.
1. Allow for effort
Don't immediately take over when something is difficult. For example, you could say:
"I see you're finding this difficult."
"What could you try?"
"Do you want to try again?"
This doesn't mean your child has to solve it alone. It does show that effort is normal and doesn't mean you've failed.
Sometimes a child needs help. The trick is to help without taking everything over.
2. Mention the effort, not just the result
Of course, you can be happy when something succeeds. But try to also mention what your child did along the way. For example:
"You kept practicing."
"You didn't give up right away."
"You tried different things."
This teaches a child that success isn't just about being immediately good at something.
3. Teach your child that making mistakes is part of it
Children who are afraid of making mistakes may start avoiding things. They don't dare to start because they are afraid it won't work.
That is precisely why it is important that mistakes are given a normal place. You can talk about a mistake you made yourself. Or show aloud that something doesn't work for you immediately either.
For example:
"Oops, that didn't go as I wanted. I'll try again."
This shows that mistakes are not proof of shortcomings. They are part of learning.
4. Give your child responsibility
Self-confidence also grows when a child notices: My choices and contribution matter.
This can be in small things. A chore at home, being allowed to make a choice themselves, having their own opinion, or being given responsibility appropriate to your child's age.
Not everything has to be determined or solved by an adult.
You don't have to protect your child from every disappointment
As a parent, it can sometimes be difficult to see your child struggle. You want to help. Make it easier. Prevent your child from becoming sad or disappointed.
But disappointments and difficult moments are part of life.
A child doesn't need to be protected from every mistake to develop self-confidence. Precisely when they experience that something is difficult and then discover that they can continue, their self-confidence grows.
Of course, that doesn't mean you should leave your child to their own devices. You can be there. You can listen. You can help when needed.
But you don't have to solve every problem for your child.
Self-confidence grows in small moments
Self-confidence is not built with one conversation or the perfect words at the perfect moment.
It grows in the many small experiences where a child notices:
- I am allowed to make mistakes.
- I don't have to be able to do everything immediately.
- I can try difficult things.
- I am seen, even when it doesn't work out.
As a parent, you don't have to do it perfectly.
Being present. Taking your child seriously. Giving space to practice. And continuing to believe in your child, even when your child doesn't believe in themselves for a moment. These are perhaps the most important building blocks for self-confidence.
Want to help your child practice self-confidence?
In the activity book Strong from Within, children learn more about themselves, their thoughts, and feelings in a playful and practical way.
Through assignments and exercises, children discover, among other things:
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what they are good at;
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what they find important;
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how they deal with difficult thoughts;
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that making mistakes is part of learning;
In this way, self-confidence is not just something you talk about, but something a child can develop step by step.
Because self-confidence doesn't grow because you never doubt. It grows because you learn that you can continue even with doubt.
