Grief is perhaps one of the most difficult emotions for parents to deal with. Not because you don't want to help as a parent, but precisely because you so badly want your child's sadness to pass.
You want to take away the pain, say something that makes it feel better, or see your child happy again quickly.
That is very understandable. But sadness is not a problem that needs to be solved. A sad child often primarily needs space, recognition, and someone who is there.
Sadness in children is not a problem
We live in a world where happiness is often seen as something self-evident. We want to feel good and we want our children to feel good. Because of this, sadness can quickly feel like something that needs to be solved.
For children, that can be confusing. They feel something intense inside, but at the same time, they notice that adults prefer to diminish that feeling.
Sadness is a normal and healthy human emotion. Children can become sad due to various forms of 'loss'. This doesn't just have to be the death of someone. Think, for example, of:
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a fight with a friend;
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rejection;
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a friendship that changes;
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a pet that dies;
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an expectation that is not met;
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saying goodbye to something or someone;
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a nice holiday or event that has passed.
What may seem small to an adult can be a great loss for a child. Therefore, sadness doesn't first have to be "big enough" before it is allowed to exist.
What happens when a child is sad?
When a child is very sad, the body can react as if it is experiencing stress. The child may cry, withdraw, become quiet, or become very clingy.
At such a moment, there is often less room for logical thinking or coming up with solutions. That's why a long explanation usually doesn't help when the sadness is still very great.
What a child primarily needs at that moment is safety and proximity.
Sadness doesn't always diminish faster by pushing it away or distracting the child. Sometimes it needs space to just be there for a while.
How do you comfort a sad child?
There is no fixed way to comfort every sad child. Some children like a hug, while another child prefers to be left alone for a while.
Nevertheless, there are a few things that often help.
1. Be present
Sometimes you don't even have to say much.
Just sitting next to your child, putting a hand on their shoulder, or giving a hug can be enough.
You don't have to solve the sadness. You can just be there while your child is sad.
2. Name what you see
By giving words to the emotion, you help your child to increasingly better recognize feelings. For example:
"You are sad."
"I see this really hurts."
"You had hoped for this so much."
You don't have to make the feeling bigger with that. You mainly show: I see you. I understand that this is difficult for you.
That helps a child to better recognize and name emotions.
3. Don't try to solve the sadness immediately
Well-intentioned remarks such as "It will be alright", "You have plenty of other friends" or "Don't think about it anymore" can unintentionally diminish the sadness.
For you, the situation may be relatively small. For your child, it feels real at that moment. Therefore, you don't have to come up with a solution immediately.
Sometimes "How sad for you" is much more helpful than "But..."
When the sadness has subsided later, more space will naturally arise to look together at what your child needs.
4. Allow tears
Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a way for the body to release tension. When a child is allowed to cry without having to be ashamed of it, they learn that sadness is an emotion that is allowed to exist. A child who is allowed to cry learns that emotions are safe and that they pass.
What can you do after your child has been sad?
When the biggest emotion has subsided, there is room to look back together.
You can ask:
"Do you want to tell what happened?"
"What made you sad?"
"What did you need then?"
Let your child tell their own story as much as possible. You don't have to immediately explain why something happened or how your child should handle it next time.
You can also discover together what helps when your child is sad.
Perhaps that is:
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a hug;
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being quietly alone for a while;
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talking;
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drawing;
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doing something together;
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going to a nice place;
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precisely seeking distraction for a while.
Every child is different. Therefore, it is valuable to discover together what suits your child.
A child learns to deal with sadness by experiencing it
Children don't need to learn how to prevent sadness. They can learn that sadness is a feeling they can experience and tolerate.
That is part of emotion regulation: learning to recognize what you feel and discovering how to deal with emotions.
For example, your child learns:
- I know what sadness is.
- I am allowed to be sad.
- I can ask for help.
- I increasingly know what helps me.
That does not mean that a child should always be able to solve sadness independently. Young children, in particular, need adults to help them understand and regulate feelings.
Step by step, that skill becomes more and more the child's own.
Your child's sadness can also affect you
Your child's sadness affects you. Sometimes because you want to take away the pain, sometimes because it touches something in yourself, for example, your own loss or your own sadness that you may never have given proper space to.
That is absolutely not a weakness. It makes you human. But it helps to be aware of the difference: is this my feeling, or my child's? Sometimes it's both. And that's okay too.
When you learn to recognize that distinction better, it becomes easier to stay with your child's sadness without immediately wanting to take it away.
Learning to tolerate sadness is part of resilience
A child who learns that sadness is allowed to exist discovers something important:
Difficult feelings are not dangerous.
Sadness comes and goes. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes a child needs a lot of support with it. By not constantly pushing sadness away, a child learns that they can experience a difficult feeling and eventually move on.
That is an important basis for resilience.
So you don't have to teach your child to always be happy. You teach your child that they are also allowed to be sad and that they don't have to bear what is heavy alone.
When does a child need extra help with sadness?
Sadness is part of life. However, sometimes it can last so long or be so strong that a child suffers a lot from it in daily life.
If your child is very sad for a longer period, withdraws more and more, experiences little joy, or if you are concerned about your child's well-being, it is advisable to discuss this with, for example, the general practitioner, school, or another professional.
You don't have to wait until you know exactly what is going on. Even if you, as a parent, have doubts, you can ask for advice.
Practicing emotions in Strong within
In the activity book Strong within, children learn to deal with various emotions, including sadness, in a playful and practical way.
With assignments and exercises, children discover, among other things:
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which emotions they feel;
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how feelings can feel in their body;
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what can cause sadness;
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what helps them in difficult moments;
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how they can support themselves.
In this way, children not only learn what emotions are, but they also practice what they can do when an emotion becomes big.
Your child only needs to learn that sadness is allowed to be there and that they are not alone.
