Sadness is, unfortunately, a part of life. Everyone feels sad sometimes, including children. A child can be sad because they've had an argument, something didn't work out, they miss someone, or they're disappointed. Sometimes the reason is clear to adults, but sometimes a child seems sad about something that might seem small to you.
As a parent, you naturally want to help your child. However, we often tend to try and get rid of sadness as quickly as possible. We try to distract, offer a solution, or say: “Come on, it's not that bad.” We usually do this with good intentions. But sadness is not a problem that always needs to be solved.
Children can learn to cope with sadness and other emotions. This is an important skill for their emotional development and resilience.
Sadness happens to you, coping with sadness can be learned
A child doesn't choose to be sad. The feeling just arises. Sometimes due to something big, and sometimes due to something that might seem unimportant to an adult.
Sadness also has a function. It helps children process events and experiences. That's why sadness doesn't need to disappear as quickly as possible.
What a child can learn, however, is how to cope with sadness.
This doesn't happen by itself. Just as learning to ride a bike or write requires practice, so does learning to deal with emotions. A child learns by experiencing what they feel, discovering what helps, and practicing it repeatedly.
For example, you can help a child to reflect on three questions:
- What do I actually feel?
- Where do I notice that in my body?
- What helps me when I'm sad?
Comforting your child is different from solving sadness
It's not that you should just leave a sad child to their feelings. Comfort, closeness, and a hug can actually be very important.
The difference is that you don't necessarily have to solve the sadness.
For example, you can say:
“I see you're sad.”
“It's okay to be sad.”
“I'm here with you.”
This teaches a child that it's okay to be sad. Afterwards, you can discover together what helps. Maybe your child wants a hug, to be alone for a bit, to draw, or to breathe calmly.
The most important thing is that a child increasingly discovers: I am allowed to be sad, and I can do something to help myself.
What can you do when your child is sad?
There is no fixed solution that works for every child. What helps with sadness varies per child and sometimes per situation.
For example, you can help your child to:
- breathe calmly;
- put words to what they feel;
- make a drawing;
- give or receive a hug;
- go to a quiet place;
- do something that brings them comfort.
The goal is not for the sadness to disappear immediately. The goal is for your child to experience that they are not powerless when they are sad.
Practicing emotions when your child is calm
An important moment to teach children how to deal with sadness and other emotions is precisely when they are not sad or upset.
At the moment a child is very sad, there is often little room to learn something new. By talking and practicing together during calm moments, a child builds up experience.
For example, you can ask:
“What helps you when you're sad?”
Or brainstorm together about things your child can do when they are having a difficult day.
By practicing this regularly, it becomes more and more familiar. When sadness is then great, your child has various ways to fall back on.
Not every child easily talks about sadness
Not every child finds it easy to talk about feelings. Some children can articulate what's on their mind well, while other children primarily show their sadness through their behavior.
Therefore, talking about emotions doesn't have to be the only way to help children. Drawing, playing, moving, or a creative exercise can also help to recognize and understand feelings.
This way, a child learns step by step:
- to recognize and name feelings;
- to discover where sadness comes from;
- to notice how sadness feels in the body;
- to discover what helps with sadness.
Every child does this at their own pace. One child naturally has more of a feel for this, while another child needs more practice and guidance.
Learning to cope with sadness is part of resilience
Children will encounter disappointments, loss, arguments, changes, and other difficult situations in their lives. We cannot prevent all these experiences for them.
What we can give children, however, is the confidence that they can endure and cope with difficult feelings.
That is an important part of resilience.
A child learns:
I am allowed to feel what I feel.
I increasingly know what helps me.
I can handle difficult moments.
This experience can help a child to also cope with setbacks and difficult emotions later in life.
When should you worry if your child is often sad?
Sadness is part of life. A period of sadness therefore does not automatically mean that something is wrong.
However, it is good to pay extra attention when a child is very sad for a longer period, withdraws more and more, seems to have hardly any fun, or when the sadness clearly affects daily functioning.
In such a situation, it may be wise to discuss your concerns with, for example, the general practitioner, youth doctor, or another professional who knows the child well.
Do you want to help your child practice emotions in a practical way?
In the activity book Strong from Within, children learn to deal with various emotions, including sadness, anger, and fear, in a playful and practical way.
With simple assignments, drawings, and reflection moments, children discover:
- what they feel;
- how emotions can feel in their body;
- what can help them in difficult moments;
- how to take better care of themselves.
This way, dealing with emotions is not only something you talk about, but something a child can actually practice.
Because sadness happens to you. Coping with sadness can be learned.
