"I can't do this."
"Nobody likes me."
"I always do it wrong."
"I have to do this perfectly."
Children can sometimes have quite negative thoughts about themselves. You might regularly hear your child saying they can't do something, giving up quickly, or withdrawing when something gets exciting.
But where do such thoughts come from?
And more importantly: how can you help your child when negative thoughts keep recurring?
Our thoughts don't just appear out of nowhere. Experiences, expectations, and beliefs all play a role in how we view ourselves and the world. Sometimes this leads to fixed patterns in our thinking. In psychology, such deeper beliefs are also called schemas.
What are thought schemas?
A schema is a deep-seated belief about yourself, others, or the world. Schemas develop through experiences we gain in our lives.
For example, a child might increasingly believe:
- "I'm not good enough."
- "I have to do everything perfectly."
- "Other people don't like me."
- "I'm not allowed to make mistakes."
- "I have to please others."
Such a belief usually doesn't arise from a single event. It's often a pattern that develops through various experiences.
Schemas can help us understand the world quickly. Our brain uses past experiences to interpret situations and make predictions. That's useful. But sometimes the prediction no longer matches the current situation.
Why do negative thoughts feel so real?
A thought can feel very convincing, without the thought being automatically true.
Suppose a child makes a mistake during an assignment. It thinks:
"I can't do this."
That thought can then lead to insecurity or sadness. The child might give up or not want to do the assignment at all anymore. As a result, the child then gets fewer opportunities to experience that it might actually be able to learn the assignment.
This can create a pattern:
Event → thought → feeling → behavior
And that behavior can then reinforce the original belief.
The four G's: gebeurtenis (event), gedachte (thought), gevoel (feeling), and gedrag (behavior)
A simple way to understand this pattern is the model of the four G's:
- Gebeurtenis (Event) – what happens?
- Gedachte (Thought) – what do you think about it?
- Gevoel (Feeling) – what do you feel because of it?
- Gedrag (Behavior) – what do you do next?
Take, for example, a child who encounters a classmate. The classmate doesn't say hello.
The event is therefore: "My classmate doesn't say hello."
The child thinks: "She doesn't like me."
Because of this, the child feels rejected or sad.
The child might then decide not to say anything next time or to avoid the classmate.
But, of course, other explanations are also possible.
Maybe the classmate didn't see the child. Maybe they were distracted. Or maybe something else was going on.
The event doesn't change. The meaning you give it can differ.
Can you learn to look at thoughts differently?
A component of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is examining thoughts and beliefs.
For example, you can explore with a child:
"Are you sure no one likes you?"
"What other explanation could there be?"
"Can you also look at this situation differently?"
"What would you say to a friend if they said this about themselves?"
This helps a child learn that an initial thought is not always the only possible explanation.
That can help to challenge negative or unhelpful thoughts and replace them with a more helpful thought.
For example: "I can't do this."
becomes: "I can't do this yet, but I can practice it."
Or: "Nobody likes me."
becomes: "I feel excluded right now, but that doesn't mean nobody likes me."
The goal is not to talk away every negative feeling. It's about a child learning to examine thoughts instead of automatically accepting them as truth.
What is ACT?
Another way to deal with thoughts and feelings is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
ACT looks at difficult thoughts differently than cognitive behavioral therapy.
Where CBT focuses, among other things, on examining and changing unhelpful thoughts, ACT teaches you to take thoughts less literally.
An important message within ACT is:
You have thoughts, but you are not your thoughts.
So a child doesn't always have to get rid of a negative thought.
Suppose a child thinks: "I'm not good enough."
Then it doesn't necessarily have to try to replace that thought with: "I AM good enough."
It can also learn: "I notice that I have the thought that I'm not good enough."
That might sound like a small difference, but it can help to create some distance between the child and the thought.
Thoughts are not facts
Children can learn to become curious about their own thoughts.
Instead of: "I can't do this."
it becomes: "I have the thought that I can't do this."
That doesn't mean the thought disappears immediately. The child only learns that a thought doesn't automatically determine what it does.
That can be incredibly valuable. For example, a child might be afraid to give a presentation and at the same time decide to try anyway. The fear doesn't have to have disappeared first.
The child learns that it can do something, even when a difficult thought or a tough feeling is present.
Making room for difficult feelings
ACT is not only about thoughts, but also about feelings. Children might try to push away anxiety, sadness, or insecurity. That's logical. No one enjoys feeling insecure or scared.
But feelings are not always something you can think away.
Sometimes it helps to learn: "I feel insecure and that's okay."
Or: "I'm scared, but I can still try."
The goal is not to ensure that a child always feels good.
The goal is for a child to learn that it can also endure and cope with difficult feelings.
What are values?
An important part of ACT is living by values.
Values are things that are important to you and that say something about how you want to live or who you want to be.
For a child, these could be, for example:
- friendship;
- honesty;
- helpfulness;
- courage;
- creativity;
- caring.
Values help to make choices, even when something is exciting or difficult.
Suppose a child is afraid of being rejected, but values friendship. It can then still decide to ask another child to play together. The fear doesn't have to have disappeared first.
The fear can be there, but it doesn't have to determine what you do. That is an important skill for resilience.
Can you help children recognize negative thoughts?
Yes. You don't have to have complicated conversations for this. For example, you can pause with your child to consider their thoughts when they find something exciting or difficult.
Ask:
"What were you just thinking?"
"Do you believe that thought is entirely true?"
"Can you also look at this situation differently?"
"What would you do if that thought were simply allowed to be there?"
"What do you actually find important in this situation?"
In this way, a child learns to better recognize what is happening in their mind. And that awareness is an important first step.
Why is this valuable especially for children?
Children are constantly developing ideas about themselves and the world.
"I'm good at math."
"I'm bad at sports."
"I'm shy."
"I always make mistakes."
Some beliefs can be helpful, others can limit a child.
Precisely when children learn early on that thoughts are not always facts and that feelings do not always determine what you can do, they gain important skills for later life.
That doesn't mean you can prevent every negative pattern. However, you can teach children to deal with them more consciously.
Finally
We all have patterns in our thinking. Some help us, others sometimes get in our way.
The goal is not to create a life without negative thoughts, insecurity, or difficult feelings. That doesn't exist.
What children can learn, however, is to recognize what is happening in their minds, take thoughts less literally, and discover which choices align with what is important to them.
That creates space.
You don't have to wait for a difficult thought to disappear to dare to do something. You can learn to deal with it.
Practicing with thoughts in Sterk van binnen (Strong from Within)
In the activity book Sterk van binnen, children engage with their thoughts and feelings in an accessible way.
Among other things, they discover:
- what thoughts they have;
- how thoughts can influence feelings;
- how feelings can influence behavior;
- that a thought is not always a fact;
- how they can examine thoughts;
- how they can deal with difficult thoughts and feelings.
This teaches children not that they should only think positively.
They learn something more important:
I don't have to believe every thought. I can discover what is happening in my mind and then choose what I want to do.
