Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It helps children to better understand others, to be considerate, and to build positive relationships.
But empathy in children doesn't just develop overnight. It's a skill that develops step by step.
Perhaps you recognize this in your own child. Your child sees that someone else is sad, but doesn't quite know what to do. Or your child says something that hurts another person without realizing it.
That doesn't mean your child lacks empathy. It mainly means that they are still learning.
What is empathy in children?
When we talk about empathy, we are actually talking about different skills, namely:
- Emotional (affective) empathy: This is feeling another's emotion. For example, a child sees that a friend is sad and also feels sadness or concern themselves.
- Cognitive empathy: Here, a child better understands why someone feels the way they do. For example, a child might understand that a classmate is sad because they weren't allowed to join in a game.
- Empathetic action: The next step is that a child also acts on what they feel and understand. For example, by saying "Are you okay?", giving a hug, or getting someone to help.
These skills do not all develop at once. A child may already be good at sensing another's emotion, but may not yet understand where that emotion comes from or know how to react to it.
Why is empathy important?
Empathy plays an important role in the social and emotional development of children. A child who increasingly understands what another feels can also better take that into account.
This helps, for example, with:
- making and maintaining friendships;
- cooperating;
- resolving conflicts;
- being considerate of others;
- comforting and helping;
- dealing with differences;
- preventing unnecessary conflicts.
People naturally tend to mirror the emotions of others. If someone is in pain or sad, we often feel a bit of that ourselves. This prompts helping behavior. If children notice that their behavior hurts another, this felt empathy can help them stop or adjust their behavior.
Empathy therefore acts as a kind of brake on negative behavior and a stimulus for prosocial behavior, such as helping, sharing, and comforting.
Empathy is more than knowing someone is sad
In addition, understanding the cause of an emotion is essential. Suppose a child is sad. Is that because they are hurt after a fall, or because others laughed at them? That nuance determines how best to react. Children who still find this distinction difficult sometimes miss the mark in their reaction.
That's why it's important for children not only to learn to recognize emotions, but also to be curious about what lies behind them.
For example, you can ask:
"What do you think happened?"
"Why do you think he's sad?"
"What might he need right now?"
In this way, children learn to look beyond just the visible behavior.
How does empathy develop in children?
Empathy develops step by step. Young children can often already sense emotions well (emotional empathy), but still find it difficult to understand why someone feels that way (cognitive empathy).
As children get older, they learn to better and better:
- understand what another thinks and feels;
- make connections between events and emotions;
- consider different perspectives;
- assess what someone else needs;
- adjust their behavior accordingly.
An important part of this is social experience. Children do not learn empathy just by talking about it. They learn it primarily through interaction with others. Playing together, arguing, saying sorry, cooperating, comforting someone, and making up: these are all moments when children practice social skills.
When children have few positive social interactions, for example because they are excluded or bullied, this can hinder their emotional development. It is precisely by playing together, resolving conflicts, and building friendships that children learn to understand more subtle and complex emotions.
Can you stimulate empathy in children?
Yes. Empathy is not a fixed trait that a child either has or doesn't have. It is a skill that can further develop.
As a parent or caregiver, you can play an important role in this.
1. Name emotions
Help your child put words to feelings. For example:
"I see your brother looks sad."
"I think you're angry because things didn't go as you wanted."
By regularly naming emotions, a child learns more and more words for their own feelings and those of others.
2. Ask why
Help your child to look beyond just the emotion. For example, ask:
"Why do you think she's sad?"
"What might have happened?"
"How do you think he felt when that happened?"
You don't always have to give the right answer. Thinking about it together is especially valuable.
3. Practice taking perspective
Children can learn to view situations from another's perspective. For example:
"How would you feel if no one let you join in?"
Or:
"What would you like if you were sad?"
In this way, your child learns more and more that other people can have different feelings, thoughts, and needs.
4. Set a good example yourself
Children learn a lot by watching adults.
How do you react when someone makes a mistake? How do you talk about someone who thinks differently? Do you help someone who is having a hard time?
You don't have to be perfect. You can openly show how you try to be considerate of others:
"I think she's having a difficult day today. I'll ask her if she's okay."
This shows that empathy is something you do, not just something you understand.
5. See conflicts as learning moments
When children quarrel, it is tempting to immediately determine who is right. But a conflict can also be a valuable moment to practice empathy.
For example, you can ask:
"What do you think happened?"
"How do you think the other person felt?"
"What did you feel?"
"What could you do now?"
In this way, your child learns not only how a quarrel is resolved, but also how different perspectives can coexist.
Empathy does not mean you always agree with someone else
An important distinction is that understanding is not the same as approval.
For example, your child may understand why someone is angry, without believing that person is right. You can say:
"I understand you got angry because you weren't allowed to join in. Still, you shouldn't hit someone."
In this way, a child learns that you can take into account the feelings of another and at the same time set boundaries.
That is an important social skill.
Empathy and bullying
Empathy also plays a role in how children interact with each other.
When a child can better understand what certain behavior does to another, it can help them to be considerate of the feelings of that other person.
At the same time, it is important not to view bullying solely as a lack of empathy. Bullying is complex and is influenced by multiple factors within a group.
That is precisely why it is important to give children many positive social experiences in which they learn to cooperate, listen, accept differences, and resolve conflicts.
Empathy grows through small daily moments
You don't need to organize special lessons to develop empathy. It's precisely in everyday situations:
A brother who is sad.
A friend who isn't allowed to join in.
A fight in the schoolyard.
A classmate who makes a mistake.
A child who needs help.
Every time you pause together to consider what someone feels, why someone feels that way, and what a helpful reaction might be, your child practices.
This is how empathy develops step by step.
Empathy is an important basis for resilience
Empathy not only helps children to better understand others. It also helps in developing social skills and forming meaningful relationships.
A child learns:
- I can understand what another feels.
- I can be considerate of another.
- I can do something to help another.
- I can take my own feelings and those of others seriously.
These are skills that a child will benefit from throughout life.
Practicing empathy in Strong from Within
In the activity book Strong from Within, children learn about emotions, themselves, and others in a playful and practical way.
They practice, among other things, with:
- recognizing emotions;
- understanding where feelings can come from;
- thinking about what another might feel;
- viewing different perspectives;
- discovering how they can react in a helpful way.
In this way, empathy doesn't just become something you talk about, but something children can practice in small steps.
Because empathy is not: feeling exactly what another feels. It is learning to look, listen, understand, and be considerate of each other.
